


D.A.R.E. to Do Drugs

by Flabbyknight



Series: Parahumans Stories [5]
Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Drugs, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22362973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: Weaver, new ward and hero, sets some youths straight about drugs.
Series: Parahumans Stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595887
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	D.A.R.E. to Do Drugs

“I always hated the speeches when I was in school, the preaching in auditoriums, the one-note message. Stuff like saying drugs are bad. It’s wrong. Drugs are fantastic,” I declared, doing a line of coke off the arm of a furry.

Mrs. Yamada was glaring at me, but she didn’t say anything because she knew I was right. After all, as a therapist, she was basically already a drug dealer.

“People will claim that drugs will ‘ruin’ your life, but that’s bullshit. Let’s be real here; your lives already suck ass. So, fuck it, am I right?” I got nods from all the kids sitting around the table.

“Okay! I think that’s enough, Weaver!” said the furry fuck as he tried to derail my important life lessons to these little shits. 

Naturally, I responded by slapping the shit out of him, to teach him his place in the pecking order.

“Did you just interrupt me?” I hissed as I leaned my face close to his. It was probably the drugs talking, but I wanted to make out with him a little. I resisted the urge, for now, and continued to browbeat him. “Do you know who the last person who did that was?”

“Uh—” 

I smacked him across the face again before he could get an answer out.

“Alexandria.” I pulled out a syringe of heroin and jammed it into a vein in my arm. As I pushed the plunger down, I turned back towards the middle schoolers. “You all heard how I killed that old bitch, right?” I got another round of impressed nods. “She tried to harsh my buzz as well, so I whacked her. Which apparently makes me a hero or something? I don’t really know how that happened because if I’m gonna be honest, I was tripping balls at the time.” I felt a pang of nostalgia and said, wistfully, “I miss being a villain, you know?”

I had their attention now, at least.

This was probably going to hit the news as something like, ‘Ex-supervillain Wards member recommends drugs to kids.’ Whatever. Maybe I’d get a shit placement in the Wards, but I felt more like the Weaver I wanted to be.

“Being a villain is like being on drugs!” I declared. “The last few months have been the best in my life! I dropped out of school right away, so no homework and the rest of that bullshit!”

A round of appreciative muttering went through the crowd of children. They got it. 

“I was able to focus on my true passion in life: drugs.” I popped an LSD-infused brownie into my mouth and mumbled through the baked goods, “I got to buy the really awesome shit too, due to the _incredible_ amount of money I made as a villain.”

“How much money?” asked a grinning future villain.

“Fifteen to twenty million,” I replied. “Can you even imagine how much blow that is? I was swimming around in it like Scrooge McDuck.”

“Weaver, I think you’re leaving out certain facts to paint your life in a positive light. For instance, your constant drug use destroyed your home life,” said Mrs. Yamada, trying to undermine me. No doubt, she wanted to stop these kids from following my example because she wanted all the drugs for herself.

I could respect that, but I refused to let that challenge go unanswered. “Wrong, they _fixed_ my home life. You all seem like a bunch of misfits, so you probably hate your parents. I bet they keep trying to tell you how to live your life, right? Giving you curfews, not letting you have dessert till you finish your broccoli, telling you to stop getting high all the time, etcetera. Anyway, so one day, my dad got all up in my grill. Tried to hold an ‘intervention.’ He said I had a drug ‘problem.’ But what I really had was a ‘Dad’ problem. So, I told him to eat shit and moved into my own place. I would _never_ have had the courage to do that if I wasn’t on acid at the time.”

“I think this is bordering on counterintuitive,” Mrs. Yamada said.

I considered that for a second, before shaking my head. “No, I think I’m doing a pretty good job of selling them on the drug thing.” An idea struck me. Even though I had never played a game in my entire life, I decided that now was the perfect time to design my own. “Any of you nerds got some dice?” 

One of the heroes, of course, had some. What a bunch of dorks.

“Let’s play a game to simulate what it’s like to be a cape. Each one of you pick if you want to be a hero or a villain. Good, good. Now, you go first,” I said as I pointed at a boy who had picked villain. “Alright, on a one through six, you get drugs.”

“Sweet!” he said as rolled the six-sided die. “I got a three.”

“That means you get some ecstasy.” I handed him one of my packets, before pointing at a girl who chose to be a hero like a fool. “Okay, your turn.”

“I got a four.”

“Okay, since you’re a hero, a one through six means you get no drugs.”

“What! That isn’t fair!” protested the girl.

“Exactly.”

“But you’re a hero, and you get to do drugs!”

I nodded, conceding the point. “I was wrong. In fairness to me, I’m like super high right now. Here, have some speed.” I dropped some pills into her outreached hands. “You know what? Drugs for everyone! Hey, kids! Who wants drugs!” 

Waving hands shot into the air. With a smile, I flung baggies of black tar heroin into the crowd. It meant something to me, after all, getting the chance to do this. I met Mrs. Yamada’s eyes, nodded.

Mrs. Yamada flipped me off. “You’re going back to jail.”

Fuck.


End file.
